What reason is there to continue to trust, and look to the future with any sort of hope? I asked myself over and over. I simply could not understand why I had been so let down, so disappointed - I had been so sure. I felt like I had been led on with promises that were never intended to be kept anyway. And my heart...it near broke in the process.
And last night, it was just a downpour of reminders - of all the things that were not working and were wrong. I spoke much, but I spoke my heart, and I spoke my frustration...and as i drifted off to sleep, it was with a blank, dark and coldly walling in heart. I knew I was done for, and I wasn't sure I minded that much...
The morning did not bring sunshine. Just more of the silence, and the sound of pep-talk from concerned friends hope, believe, don't give up, there's a plan, hold your head upbut the one I wanted to hear from the most kept quiet. And refused to explain.
As the day wore on, and I got even more wearied, it happened. Just sort of started to flow over my heart and mind. The questions that only I could answer - like, how could i walk away? Why would I walk away from the best thing that ever happened to me? More importantly, where would I go if I left? I started to think about all those times I was bailed out, all those moments of joy, and peace and happiness. I thought about how I always say that my love is unconditional, and if I never got anything in return, I'd still be happy to give it. I remembered that since the beginning, our relationship has been based on trust, and faith...faith that I will always be dealt the card that will bring the best result, ultimately.
The words that had been just a blur to me in the midst of my tears yesterday began to make sense - this is not the end, one said. Its only the end if I decide to make it so. All I can do is believe. Have faith that the plans haven't changed, only the timing. The dream was good while it lasted, another said, but the reality will be even better. It will work out, I heard again and again. It will. And those words from a few weeks ago came flying back - everything will work out. it always does.
I determined to walk back, and find comfort in the arms of the very one I so nearly ran away from, and have my tears wiped by those gentle arms that caused them. The one that's everything to me. Because truth be told, Jesus IS my life, and no matter how disappointing things get, I can't stop believing. I can't stop trusting in Him. Apart from Him, there really is no hope for anything. So I believed with all my heart that He was gonna do this or that for me, and so He didn't - shall the clay say to the potter, mold me thus?
It's not easy, and I see a lot of hobbling, and wet pillows in the days to come. It's gonna take awhile to break past all this automatic barriers that went up when it rained, but like that man of old, I'm calling out, I believe, but help my unbelief. He means more to me than anything ever will, and if it pleases Him to disappoint me, it must be for a reason. All I ask is that He helps me to believe again, every time I think He has disappointed me beyond repair.
Because Faith, like Jesus, is a five letter word. You can't have one without the other.
4 comments:
I'm blessed. Really. Not just because you wrote this on my birthday (lol) but also because I know what this is like. May God increase your faith. Cliche, probably, but one day you'll look back and find that this is just a memory. You'll probably wonder how you could have come so close to walking away. Blessings.
after reading it two months later! hope you have both ur 5letter words intact now..:-)
been there...done that...and found out that walking away is harder than holding on...
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