Ok, Let's Deal With Adam

So, a little while ago I penned a post mainly for men looking to find their mate, and it's only fair that a mirror sequel follows. By public demand and all that.

I must confess that I'm a traditionalist when it comes to these things, and so I strongly believe it is the man's job to find, and the woman's to be, well, found. Still, if I had a daughter, I'd want to tell her things she can look out for that may help her in deciding whether that thief of a skinny boy is good for her. Needless to say, I'll have a couple of shotguns to help her along with the choice.

Read my other disclaimers in the earlier post. Those dealt with...

1. He's Poetic (Sort of)

Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh...you shall be called woman! Blame it on Adam, but since that day, women have expected to hear poetic lyricism from their men. Your man must be a man who likes to sing your praises, who extols your virtues whether he's with you or not. If he went ahead and spent a whole month trying to craft a poem to read you on your date, well in...

2. He works hard for you

Again, ask Jacob, that all-time standard setter for how long you should work for the girl you love. Mwanaume ni effort. You want a man that's making the effort in your relationship. A man who goes out of his way to find out that you like Indian tulips and scours the city for them just to make you happy. If he leaves all the initiating and all the work to you, and all he wants is to turn up and have fun, you have trouble on your hands.

3. He hears from God

This, to me, is the most critical element. He must hear from God. My wife showed me this recently - for some reason, in all my many years of reading the Bible, I had never seen this part of the story. When Mary was a virgin girl being used of God, she received angelic visits and God spoke to her directly. The minute she hooked up with Joseph, things changed, and Joseph was now the recipient of God's direction for their lives. Think about that. If you hook up with a guy who's not in step with God, it's gonna get sticky before long.

4. He's consistent

The C-word. It is almost as much shunned by men as that other C-word, Commitment. Consistent means constantly adhering to the same principles, course or form. It means holding firmly together. It's the word you use to describe well mixed dough - no lumps, no airy spots, same through and through.You want a man who's steady, not one thing today and another tomorrow. You want him consistent in his values, in his character, in his behavior, in his choices. You want him there, or deliberately taking steps to get there.

5. He honors you

Or I guess you could say he loves you. Or respects you. Or treats you well. They're all in there. If your man abuses you when he's angry, he won't change when you're married. If you're his wallet companion - meaning he only brings you out when necessary, and even then hides you, never talks about you in front of his friends or workmates - watch out. Not only should he be a man who celebrates you, he should your number one fan and defender.

6. He's like  you

This is the other critical one. He will have a huge say on how your future lives look - you better share the same values. Find out early, because you probably think you do (just because he's saved) until the day he clears all your savings to buy himself a Maserati. 

Feel free to add your own :)

Wondering Whether She Is (Or Could Be) The One?

I haven't been married long enough to write about marriage, but having at least dispensed with the business of finding, maybe I can say a thing or two about that. I'm also reading through Genesis again and it really is my favorite book for finding the answer to the how to know question, and the stories of Adam, Isaac and Jacob are so much fun, and so decidedly odd.

Now, this is not a complete or foolproof list, so don’t get hung up over what’s on it and what isn’t – it’s just a fun look at how these three men found their one, and I can't promise that this won't turn into a 13-part series. Also, perhaps it is important to say that I believe there's the one that God has for you, I believe that you find that person through a process, and it doesn't mean there's only one person you can get married to and woe unto you if she runs off to France with that husky-voiced, droopy-eyed no-gooder. Okay, here goes:

1. She's the only one in sight

Think Adam. There's no other girl, she's the only one who looks like you, and well, everything else around you is, um, weird. Adam could have gotten married to a hippo...how it worked is that there wasn’t anyone else suitable for him. Hence, Eve.

2. You woke up and suddenly...

Say you were Adam. You were asleep. Then you woke up, and you don't know what knocked you off your feet. Suddenly you saw someone whom you were willing to give your name, call flesh of your flesh, and write endless rhymes for. Good chance.

3. She's like you

This is a big one. The 'opposites attract' story is very modern. She came from you, so surely, she must be a bit like you. But on the inside, she absolutely has to be like you. It was so important that Abraham told his servant, you must go find my son a wife from among my own people. You must have the same values, believe the same things. You'll see how important that is when she wants to have a gothic mass and you want to take your kids to church.

4. You prayed, and God told you she was the one

This thing is no joke. Pray about it, like Abraham's servant did. Say all those great things he said. (And then of course you still have to go to the well and wait for the answer to the prayer, it's not like you're going to meet her in your closet :)). Be there when God answers. Also, since Pentecostal brothers have the tendency to overdo this and walk around telling girls God told me it's you...

5. You prayed, and God told her you're the one

If God only talked to you, um, a bit of a situation. See what happens in Genesis 24 - after the servant has told Rebekah his story, and then retold it to her family, when it came to crunch time, they say, we will call the young woman and ask her personally. They then proceeded to ask her whether she does indeed want to go get married to this mysterious man she's never met. But, you ask, what would have happened if she had said no while God had evidently answered this guy's prayer? Then, as Abraham had told his servant, you will be released from this oath.

6. She makes you want to, and actually do, impossible things

So Jacob turns up at some well, finds shepherds there. They explain to him that there's a huge rock that prevents them from getting water. He's rather disinterested. But see what happens when Rachel turns up: The moment Jacob spotted Rachel, ...he went and single-handedly rolled the stone from the mouth of the well and watered his uncle's sheep (Gen 29.10). You can almost see him strutting at Rachel's gratitude. If she can make you flip over yourself to go beyond your natural abilities just to get in her good books, good chance. Ditto Adam and his poetry.

7. You've worked hard for her

7 years. Maybe 14. Ask Jacob. Let her see that you value her, enough to sweat to get and keep her attentions. You know when you've worked for something, and when you've not. Value.

8. You married her

This here's the clincher. If you married her, she is THE ONE. It doesn't matter whether she was the one with pretty eyes (Leah had nice eyes) or the gorgeous one (But Rebekah was stunningly beautiful), if you married her, she's the one. Stop looking!

That'll be all.